Friday, January 7, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
the Eureka! moment
the two major themes in the past week,
1. what is about me
2. what's not about me
... and how to proceed accordingly.
1. what is about me: how to find understanding within my feelings & my motivations behind the things, events, people etc that I focus my attention on.
2. what's not about me: dispersing information that could be helpful to others, regardless of potential embarrassment, misunderstanding etc
the importance in this distinction is the outcome, and learning how to be comfortable with it. whereas #1 means i'm responsible for getting through and finding, #2 says stop tripping and do what's necessary. yes, i am being vague... or maybe not at all.
oo oo ooooo
+1. i've realized another important distinction for me is the difference between wanting someone and liking someone. they are not the same thing for me.
liking someone usually means liking things about them, and maybe even liking them a lot.
wanting someone means you just gotta have them/ be near them/ get closer even if irrational
i'm simplifying. but yes,
it is dangerous to conflate the two. and there comes a point in feeling where i have to go, "hey, what is this really all about? what do i really want? bc i like string cheese but i don't need it."
is it wrong that i'm likening a person to string cheese? maybe. but it was the quickest thing i had.
and i even just introduced a new word: need.
*lowers glasses to the bridge of nose, looks over the rim, purses lip*
the way i hear people describe being in love, "need" and "want" become the same thing.
i wouldn't know.
i'm finally okay with that. being alone, and viewing myself through the lens of being alone, having "alone" be a major part of my identity is taxing. i want to stop feeling so powerless because of it, because that's all... negative, you know? it's complicated. but i feel like i'm reaching a point where i've achieved patience. i'm content with not sharing my life with someone. yes, i am only 21 but sharing a connection that feels right with someone... i don't want to wait forever for that, but i'm willing to wait :)
tangent. admission. go.
i spent a portion of this year ready to do my version of settling and using a lot of the word "just" and i'm not about "just-ing" anything. i know what i want. sometimes it feels weird standing firm in that whenever everyone else doesn't seem committed to it, but since when has doing what everyone else is doing been an important thing for me? only when i'm worried i'm being too brave or different or i can't think of hearing an experience like mine before. that's not reason enough to stop being principled. what is for me, is for me. and i'm cool with that. in the meantime, i'll be working on focusing through other things that are going well for me and those things that i'd like to achieve.
hard work, constant introspection, thought- & feeling-digging rewarded.
i don't claim to have the answers to the universe, just some things i've been hoping to understand. and,
that makes me a quiet kind of happy :)