i feel the need to make a plan. but first, the familiar, warm, freeing, release of a random brainstorm/list/mahjigga
1. i took 22 credits AND was president of an organization AND acted in two productions my senior spring
2. my therapist said i had a crazy idea and she knew it would be hard but that i could do it. she believed in me. a couple people did. she reminded me to acknowledge and sit with my accomplishment.
3. i did once, i cried for like a min out of joy & then started dancing around in my room to oldies. how else do people celebrate??
4. but other than that, i have to learn how to relax.
5. i relaxed a bit at school. i drank the night before i moved out for good, went to an impromptu (read: illegal) party for the senior class, hung out with friends i enjoy.
6. the last day, i woke up in my mostly empty room: only sheets and my suitemate's pillow, a couple posters and a bookbag with a change of clothes for the day, and my laptop and i lounged. then i handled errands. then i made sure we got all of the stuff out of our suite that was extra. got something to eat, watched online television. left, had to stop halfway to the train bc i was carrying entirely too much stuff home (extra books and some household items: dropped some of this off with a friend)
7. caught the bus and i immediately felt like i was going the wrong direction.
8. that night my mom lovingly tried to get me to talk abt what i'm gonna do for the rest of my life, or at least the summer.
9. i woke up the next morning and she asked me, "Why a hightop?" the saga of my family not accepting my hair continues...
10. i long for New York where people enjoy my afro & my other bits of outward presentation. where i feel accepted, and even unremarkable at times, bc everyone is always doing the most. i can be me. i can be the me i've become. my family and Philly is still stuck on high school me. i can't go back to high school.
11. i have to find a new Philly. i've wanted to run out of my house a couple of times btw Thursday night and Friday night.
12. i'm getting out today.
13. when i relax, it looks like lounging and writing and tv. but i can't be in my house too much. so i have to make it look a little different.
14. i also want to make a checklist, so to speak, not so much a plan for the summer.
15. all i know is that i want to experiment for a year. and i don't quite know all everything that's gonna look like, and i'm perfectly fine with that. it's everyone else's anxiety abt that, that if i'm not careful, will drive me nuts!
CHECKLIST for the SUMMER
1. i took 22 credits AND was president of an organization AND acted in two productions my senior spring
2. my therapist said i had a crazy idea and she knew it would be hard but that i could do it. she believed in me. a couple people did. she reminded me to acknowledge and sit with my accomplishment.
3. i did once, i cried for like a min out of joy & then started dancing around in my room to oldies. how else do people celebrate??
4. but other than that, i have to learn how to relax.
5. i relaxed a bit at school. i drank the night before i moved out for good, went to an impromptu (read: illegal) party for the senior class, hung out with friends i enjoy.
6. the last day, i woke up in my mostly empty room: only sheets and my suitemate's pillow, a couple posters and a bookbag with a change of clothes for the day, and my laptop and i lounged. then i handled errands. then i made sure we got all of the stuff out of our suite that was extra. got something to eat, watched online television. left, had to stop halfway to the train bc i was carrying entirely too much stuff home (extra books and some household items: dropped some of this off with a friend)
7. caught the bus and i immediately felt like i was going the wrong direction.
8. that night my mom lovingly tried to get me to talk abt what i'm gonna do for the rest of my life, or at least the summer.
9. i woke up the next morning and she asked me, "Why a hightop?" the saga of my family not accepting my hair continues...
10. i long for New York where people enjoy my afro & my other bits of outward presentation. where i feel accepted, and even unremarkable at times, bc everyone is always doing the most. i can be me. i can be the me i've become. my family and Philly is still stuck on high school me. i can't go back to high school.
11. i have to find a new Philly. i've wanted to run out of my house a couple of times btw Thursday night and Friday night.
12. i'm getting out today.
13. when i relax, it looks like lounging and writing and tv. but i can't be in my house too much. so i have to make it look a little different.
14. i also want to make a checklist, so to speak, not so much a plan for the summer.
15. all i know is that i want to experiment for a year. and i don't quite know all everything that's gonna look like, and i'm perfectly fine with that. it's everyone else's anxiety abt that, that if i'm not careful, will drive me nuts!
CHECKLIST for the SUMMER
- learn how to drive/get my driver's license
- get my passport
- see/get involved in theatre in Philly
- write stories/poems/experiment/skeleton some memoir. trust myself in this process.
- learn more abt cooking
- visit a couple different places in the US/or maybe i just mean, allow myself to go to New York when I want and maybe save up for a trip to the West Coast. i don't really know many places i want to be in the US, but when i figure it out, maybe.
- research where I want to go internationally.
- JUST DO. Because the doing will lead me closer to understanding, even if the lesson comes later. Thinking can't get you everything and everywhere.
- Take a couple more risks than you would've last year. Forgive and/or Celebrate yourself for them as appropriate.
- Meet new people.
- Especially, meet new people doing what I want to do. In the fields I'm called to.
- READ. READ. READ.
16. I'm allowed to change, add, subtract, multiply whatever whatever.
No comments:
Post a Comment