Friday, June 25, 2010

this might sound strange but

the problem is that i like myself, as is.
i think the source of a lot of confusion/stress/irritation in my life is that I'm satisfied with the way I look, the way I do things and who I am. I like love myself. This is not to say that I'm perfect, and am never insecure or unhappy. What I'm saying is that the core of who I am, and how I represent and present myself I'm cool with. 

So, the problem enters when people are always telling me how I can be better, how
I need to "girl it up"
I'm always downplaying my looks
how I need to wear make up, curl my hair, put on more jewelry, carry a pocketbook, heels, smile false
how I had all that hair and just cut it off and now I look hard

backhanded compliments. you're a beautiful girl but you act like you're scared, you should do this that and the third. thank you for the complient, but you can save the rest---

I was always confused about when people say things like, "before I knew you, you used to confuse me. i didn't understand how such a pretty girl could be so unhappy." And this thing is kind of a new struggle for me. I've gotten past wondering why I'm not the president of five different organizations, saving the world, working somewhere impressive, and getting straight As. That's not what I want to do right now and not quite where I want my life to be.

But this "girly" "womanly" thing---I'm just realizing that it's because being pretty has never been a source of identity for me. putting on make-up, painting my nails, having long hair, the works whatever- that doesn't make me happy. so it doesn't mean anything. i like putting together a nice outfit just as much as the next person, and every once and a while I'll wear eyeliner and mascara but that's pretty much it.

the puzzle now is, according to these people this is probably why I'm alone. there's no such thing as someone liking you for who you are... I rebuke it. Lately, it's a constant struggle to believe that one day I'll be more than enough for someone- sans make-up, my true face and whatever hairstyles i go through and all.

All I want to be is me. With time, maybe all that other stuff will start to matter to me, and that's fine. But, I need to do it on my own time.

This whole girl-woman thing is wild to me. Becoming a woman, which I would love to just translate to autonomous adult, it seems to be about so many things that don't come natural to me- the primp & priss, the desire/joy to cook for my family, decorate, etc. Hearing and reading theories and essays is one thing, and I've usually agreed, but feeling it is a whole 'nother thing. And it's ugly. I shouldn't have to question how much of a woman I am by these standards. In time I'm sure wanting to be a family will be more important to me, maybe I'll want to make a guy drool by how I look... but as for now, I just want to be happy. And it's not coming from these places, practices and ideas.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

absence makes the heart grow fonder

now, i had been taking a break from my guitar because i randomly found the thumbs on each of my fingers twitching... meaning hey, maybe i should chill out. so i did. but this weekend i got tired of chilling out. originally i said i would wait until i got lessons and could be with a person that knows what they're doing so i could ask questions and be told the right posture and how to hold the guitar and strings with my left hand. WELL, guess what? I'm briizzzzoke. So, instead i'm just gonna spend a little less time each little practice YouTube/internet/library book session I do and try to listen to my body and watch for bad stuff. Also, I need to get some upper body strength. Haha.

So, because I can't get the song out of my head, I've decided the first song I'm gonna learn how to play is that song you see a couple posts below. Mmhm. And this nice white man is gonna teach me :)

My first worry was, "Oh no, I don't have a CAPO" *signal young Macaulay Caulkin face in Home Alone after he smacks himself in the face (with the aftershave?) in the mirror* But guess what y'all? The internet is sometimes grand, and i found out i can make one with a pencil and some rubberbands here. Great. I started learning it. I'm actually probably trying to do entirely too much at once considering I'm learning how to play the chords and the songs at the same time and i don't even quite have calluses yet but it's all good. Haha. So yeah. Look out for that.

And maybe after I learn how to play it well enough I'll have the balls to post a video. But that would involve me singing, which is a whole 'nother beast 'cause I ain't nobody's Hayley Williams. Maybe it'll just be my own "private joy" ;)

Anywho! This is the happy post I had figured would come along at the end of that other entry. Sure did :)

Monday, June 21, 2010

you better climb into one ear, through my head/brain/mind and come out the other ear with this song!

The return of Blossom Dearie with ...
(to my blog, 'cause you know, I posted her rendition of "Try Your Wings" here )
um, so...
 i love it. 
  the end.
except... P.S. I'm also feeling this one: Everything I've Got Belongs to You 
the title of this post don't quite apply to this song, but i still think it's great.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

in the summertime

i like to pretend i can draw. 
well, pretty much anytime there's a break from school and i see something i find strange or i like.

one of those other things i wanna learn how to do. eventually. soon.
and for some reason i saw this in the ceiling

because it was pleasant when it showed up on my shuffle:

and i'm just feelin this song right now.
"got me in a liplock