Wednesday, June 2, 2010

i have a very strange relationship with being alone.

'cause I sure do like it. during the day, as long as the sun is out usually.. i am perfectly content with being alone. whether it's good or not, i can spend a whole day in the house or in my room as long as i have writing, reading, music, food and drank. i don't ever really feel a need to be around people until the sun goes down.

i think that's why i can be bad with contacting people sometimes, especially phone calls. i only really keep constant contact with like 1 or 2 people at the most at any one time. it's not because i don't care about other people, it's because i largely only keep track of my self and my space in the present. it's actually ridiculous how when i leave my head space and solitude i'm surprised to find that "damn, i do know people and i guess we care about each other, enjoy each other's company and maybe instead of being alone all the time i could get to know them better...oh. oh." oh.

and it's not like i'm inside all the time. i move around the city largely alone too. i've been accused of hiding. but i'm not doing that consciously (anymore). i'm getting more visible. but i'm so used to 78% solitude that I really don't know what it'd be like not to be that. and i think i'm worried about losing it. i don't know when that started. because there are definitely people i like, even love... but i think i'm big on having the space to do exactly what i want without having to accommodate others. and that's because accommodation... i'm bad at it. instead of being compromise it turns into me giving into what the other person wants so i can avoid confrontation. which boils down to me not wanting to be the black bitch. or just the mean person. bad person. however misunderstood. and i only really care about that judgment when it comes to friendships. i'm not particularly concerned about john and jane q public or the peanut gallery.

but as i've realized/been pointed towards/told before, the bigger fear is that maybe i will be understood. because i've been misunderstood or slantingly perceived before so i know how to deal with that, as much as it may suck. and even to a certain degree i handle this by staying away from people. but the bigger fear may be actually feeling connected to people. like i need them. or i would miss them. i can't remember the last time i've genuinely missed someone. not family. not friends. because there's a difference between missing someone, like an ache, like a constant reminder and plague that he or she is not there for you to be with when you want and going, "oh yeah, it would be dope to see so and so."

there are people i love. i wonder if i'm loving them less by not being able to miss them. or feel like i can't live without them. not being able to fathom letting myself be hurt in that way. it's not that people don't affect me, it's just that i don't always have the energy to let everyone touch me in the way they could if i let them. i'd probably be a wreck if i did. but i may still be imbalanced. i might be veering towards the other extreme.

i just... lately, i have entirely too much going on at once and i don't know when's the time to let people in. to let them be more than eventually temporary. because except for my family, i don't really expect anyone to last. i feel like i have no reason to. and maybe that's where faith comes in, but i also think it's a symptom of the little bit of common sense i do have. and lasting ... maybe lasting has different definitions. and family, what is family but blood ties and love. love, granted, i'm realizing i have a choice in who in my family to love as well. i've chosen to love the ones i've always seen growing up, others... not so much. i won't take everyone's ugly and still.

i say this all to say. im thinking i'm gonna have to learn how to let myself care, meet, risk for and open myself to people this summer. i know it's gonna take more than the summer, but this is a start.