p.s.

i realized that i'm a little extreme at times, in talks today.

i have to stop doing this thing where i pick one identity and decide that's all i've got, and all of my worth is there...
like it's the only thing i'm good at...
well, i think it happens subconsciously.

i was a student (high school), a student, a student, a student, learner, knowledge seeker, student, student, student
everything else second. many other things made me then
even more things make me now
but... since i've been in college, tho, duh, i'm still a student, i don't feel like it's *my* thing anymore. don't really make me special. regardless of whether it sounds corny or not, or even the fact that i just realized it
i wanna be special.

writing makes me feel special. i LOVE writing. i mean, i love learning but i LOVE writing.

so, since college, when i needed to feel powerful again, when i needed to fight for something to hold onto, something to be (because *student* is taken by all the other damn Columbia kids that are now more enthusiastic than me) i said writer, writer writer writer, how do i become a writer, oh, well i'm already a writer, what do writers do? oh, i'm not really like that and that's cool but nonetheless writer writer writer writer

writer

guess who needs to stop limiting her notions of herself

this girl.

but, the first step is acknowledging that you have a problem. i intend to fix mine now that i know i'm being unfair to myself. i feel positive about that. good to have sounding boards, and good to have friends and good to have support and good to have positive, reaffirming reality checks

p.s. 

did i tell you

that i realized this weekend

that i'm a loving person?

when did that happen?

haha.

'cause it's not just me noticing it

it's like playing out in my actions & stuff, and people notice it

i've even been told                                                                                           i love hard... 

haha.

yeah, but that's nice. and it's true. 

and i'm starting to realize just how many things i do out of love,

things that come automatically,

that just seem right

i always do best when i follow my instincts and don't question/obsess over thangs 

whether it's loving people, what i do/organizations, what i'm learning, music, places, people, etc

hrrmmm... lately, remembering me. how do i love me hard?

by doing all that i can for my present and ESP during finals, future self. 

whether that's school work, addressing misconceptions/perceptions, reconciling & reviewing the past, acknowledging and changing damaging behaviors or ways of thinking, smiling, pushing through, writing, listing, friend time, crying, stuff.

it's all good.