another one of these Saturday nights.

1. i'm tired of crying.
2. i'm tired of the things that make me cry.
3. but at least when i let myself feel i learn something.
4. what i've learned tonight, is that my heart has been broken a lot.
5. a LOT.
6. and i ignore it, because it seems like there's no other way to get through life. who has time to be heartbroken?
7. i was going to list off all the other things i have to deal with to illustrate how much i don't have time to be heartbroken but then i backspaced bc it's not important.
8. well, it is important. all of it is important. that's the point. being heartbroken is also important. there are cracks in my walls. and my shit is gonna come crumbling down if i don't pay attention and break it down brick by brick, piece by piece.
9. my heart has been broken a lot. i imagine heartbreak looks different for different people. but i know mine, what it takes to break my heart... it's been broken a lot. by boys, by friends, by family, by ppl still in my life.
10. problem is, i usually remedy this with distance. i don't know if distance is the answer. i don't know the answer. but i imagine the first step is recognizing that i feel pain and it doesn't have to look like everyone else's to be real.
11. i won't be able to love the way i want to love until i get through this.
12. i had planned to be in the library tonight, working on a paper draft i have due Monday morning. i still don't know what i'm gonna write about besides Black women & the arts. sound real specific don't it?
13. anywho, i'm spent. and CLEARLY, that's not happening tonight.
14. i imagine sleep is an option... i'd like to just go to sleep. but i'm pretty sure what i'm supposed to do with this moment is write. so i'll write.
15. so i don't forget.
16. also, decide on what i'm going to focus on and not look back. goodnight.