Saturday, May 15, 2010

they want me to miss them.

my locs.
"they were so beautiful, and long.
you just threw away your hair."

i appreciated having locs. i thought they were beautiful too. i had them for two years. that was enough for me. they'll probably come back. for now, they're gone. and i only ever really got them because my mom got tired of me walking around with my 'fro. that's where it all started, though I am so glad that I tried it, with me wanting her to stop telling me i looked like a five year old. that my hair was just sitting up on top of my head. reminding me how adamant i used to be abt making sure my hair was straight (when it was permed). but i wanted something new. i originally went natural so i could feel my roots (from the scalp, that is). and i like knowing what it felt like to run my fingers through my hair the way it is when i let it be. i wanted to grow me a big ol' afro. epic even. and i stopped.

well now, i want it short. i like smoothing my fingers on the sides so close to my scalp.
and if i have to grind like nobody's business so that i can have that simple pleasure, i shall. if i have to pave my own way for myself so i can express myself it just looks like that's what i need to do. 'cause to me, having to be what everyone else wants from me to get by each day is a form of dying and i want to live. i want to write. i want to wear colors, and experiment with style. i want to wear my grandma's and whatever else jewelry makes my day easier. wear my hair how i want. share what i want to share of myself without any unnecessary constraints.

i can't stay the same. staying the same makes it hard for me to breathe.

and i've found myself... never knew how to call it until someone said it after listening to me talk... found myself disappointed in myself for not being who i was in high school anymore. because i don't breathe school in the same way, because i don't seem as ... "driven" is not the right word, i don't seem as directed. and Lawd knows the only direction i had then was to college, because that's what you do after high school.

but i haven't been fair to myself, and i've been told this before and i know better deep somewhere... that is finally rising to the surface. some things you don't get back. some things you aren't meant to get back. i have the me i am now to hold onto and i've always prayed for growth, have always made that one of the number one things i need. growth just uh, hurts.

growth hurts. being interesting hurts. i remember just wanting to be interesting.  to be memorable when i was younger, shoot probably a couple days ago just in a different iteration and on a different level. because i wasn't inside of it. had no idea of how to you have to fight. you pay the price for it. if i see something and i want it and i go for it, it's not always gonna be supported, be understood be acceptable. cool.

i just know, the haze is clearing up. and what's left is who i am, in clear view. and those who matter will still love me. and i know my family will still be there, even if they said some wack shit when i got in the house this afternoon.




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