spring cleaning of the mind.

because this is the most important cleaning for me. even though, sometimes the physical cleaning of my room is related to the clearing of the mind for me BUT, that's neither here nor there in this post. what i came to say is that, well.. i'll start from the beginning. I got home yesterday, and my gramma subscribes to Essence so I highlighted a couple articles, mentally, that I wanted to read and there was this one, "40 Ways to Get A Fresh Start for Spring" that I was particularly interested in. (Though there's also one where Jill Scott speaks on why it hurts for Black women to see Black men with White women that I have to get to but that's for another time) Two related thangs that I just had to put on my to-do list for spring cleaning.

"4. Forgive someone.

15. Relinquish the past: Write a letter to any men who hurt you. Close it with the statement that you forgive them and release the pain. Burn the letter where a fire will not pose a hazard. Welcome new love into your life as you watch the past turn to ash. "

Notice the word forgive appearing in both. I have a problem with this. I think it's like I'm afraid if I forgive people, somehow I'm telling myself and them that the shit I need to forgive them for is A-OK now, and hell naw- it was still wrong. This fear just allows me to hold onto my anger and irrational belief that people, in general, really just don't give a damn about me. And, this is why forgiving is important because it's #1 about LETTING GO. And the LETTING GO is much more important to me than my hybrid pride-anger I get to hold onto. Not unh. No longer interested. 

So I wrote two letters, and I feel better. Well, a third that had nothing to do with forgiving but I'll get to it. I'm also thinking about time, and how it heals, and how it would have been false/insincere for me to have "forgiven" before today. It takes a lot of processing for me. So, thank you Lord for time. However much it hurts, it's temporary. I'm interested in the lasting that comes from learning. 

SO, what I learned about myself today/have been learning is that... I'm actually a lot more afraid of things working out than I am of things not.* For most of my life I have grown eerily and unhealthily comfortable/used to things that don't work out. I know this/hold up this more than anything else and it's because it has this guarded safeness to it. Disappointment, expect it and you don't hurt. WRONG. You get used to the disappointed kind of hurt and only allow that kind because you know how to deal with it. Not unh, no longer interested. I'm much more scared of the hurt that could come from having the real power to hurt someone that can/will give me/has given me what I want. LOGICALLY. But, I gain nothing from continuing to deal with dead ends, sitting in that corner of the dead end, running back and forth between that corner and scenes that look like/are the past in today's clothing. No, thank you. ! 

It will not be the end of the world if I learn how to deal with new hurts. In fact, it will not be the end of the world if I learn how not to be hurt. Who-da thunk it? It's a new and more genuine way of growing for me. I am not going to pretend I'm not scared, but that is what courage is for. And why my blog is now called "dieoldways(a)n(d)wreckage."

*Thank you, you know who, for helping me to figure some of this out.  

Though this is a song I really enjoy, I'm making a mental note that this ain't healthy (and of course, Sade knows this). Unrelated, it can't be said enough... she's 50-what now?  and still looks like this!?! Amazing. 

and i have to say, also, that welcoming "new love" (affection, and their weakened strains i've encountered, whatever) into my life is not just a romantic issue. i have to learn how to do this friend-wise as well, especially when it comes to men. but that's a whole 'nother post as well.