Monday, March 15, 2010

a hearty thank you, if you make it through reading all of this. and avoid writing me off as naive and ridiculous.

     I finally figured out some things with my iPod and recovered lost headphones last week, so i returned to work today with my music, triumphant in a way, happy, almost completely. Was groovin’ (return to KC & the Sunshine Band, and era friends) between the stacks of books, while scanning books, opening boxes of books, stacking books, etc And at one point while I was checking books in from customers at the front desk, this song came on. And, of course, like with the other songs I was lip synching because I can’t just burst out into song while working. Crazy thing is, though I’m pretty sure I wasn’t making sounds, when I got to the parts “Write a song of love” I had this feeling I was actually singing; ESPECIALLY, when I got to the word “love.” I had to take my headphones off and check my volume and look around the room. I was convinced that “love” couldn’t just be mouthed, weird.






just beautiful.


 Anyway, what do I know? I’m one of few people (maybe girls especially) that can say they’ve never been in love. And spare me how it’ll come in due time, and everyone has their own journey and whatever else generic, easy and probably true remedies for my aches. It’s fine. I get it. Actually, I don’t but I have no choice but to try and wait. Or, I don’t have to wait? Another weird thing, put myself out there. Contradictory to: stop thinking about it. And, I’m not angry and I appreciate everyone’s advice. The one thing I’ve been thinking about and having trouble with in the past couple of days though is this… something I’ve heard many times from different people in different ways… that you have to uhm, get your heartbroken/get through the building block boys/learn your lessons/be broken/torn in order to appreciate the right person. My thing is now, that considering I haven’t already had much of a conventional story--- is all this necessary for me? Do I have to have this one person to take massive chunks out for me to recover from? Or does it suffice that I’ve had little pieces chipped away at me from different people, knowingly or unknowingly, so many I’m still trying to gather and understand and already trying to heal from? Now, this sounds dramatic. I hate drama. But, it’s my truth. And I’m sure I have it better than many people, but I reject devaluing what is my personal struggle, finally. And, I won’t feel guilty or stupid for trying to figure this out. I won’t inflict that on myself anymore.

But, I am tired. I am tired of being “respected,” and “admired” and most recently and offensively “loved” and not devoted to. Of being such a “great” and “beautiful” person, of hearing these things and finding myself going “so what?” What do we think “great”  and “beautiful” people get? We want them to get what we feel they deserve or what we want to believe that “great,” “beautiful,” “respected,” “admired,” “loved,” etc on and on mean that we will be cherished. If only we can get there! If only I build myself enough someone will care, someone will recognize! My foundation, my foundation, it’s for me but it’s also for the person that’s gonna prove yesterme wrong. And I’m trying to have hope, to have faith. But it’s hard to hear all of these things that I find I have to put into different perceptual sets, need to make new word associations where “respected” “admired” “beautiful” “great” “loved” when spilling from a boy’s mouth means “and her too, her more, but her instead of you or just not you. Not you, not respected and admired you.” I wanna think that it’d be easier if they’d just call me a bitch. If I was someone that they didn’t respect, love, admire blah blah so what? I’d get it. Because these people aren’t  supposed to get anything. It’d make sense. None of this makes sense. 

The real problem is with the conflict between the implications behind/my associations with the words and what they actually mean in practice/in reality. Either way, it hurts. 

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