stoneface.

I don’t really have the time to be concerned with whether someone will see how special I am, or get it. Or try to really get to know me. This may be/sound reactionary and selfish because I have to be the person I want for myself but what I’m really trying to say is that I’m tired of being worried about whether I’m being “too much” of myself around people. And it's not really something I worry about often, just those times when I have to stop and say to myself, "was that too real? too honest? too buck naked of a statement/behavior?" and then consult others. but you know, i try to surround myself with people that are working for the same kind of expression of their own truth and being authentic/real/[insert whatever other adjectives come with being yourself], so i wonder if that's what leads them to say "no, you're good." but i don't know. it's a lot of things. i'm tired of 

1. having to wonder if i told too much of the truth. if someone will really appreciate that i even told it. vulnerability is a trip. 

2. being told that i don't smile enough. maybe, it's true. maybe, i'm scaring people off or sending the wrong message with my "take it or leave it" face. but you know what? it hasn't steered me too wrong yet. my circle is full of people that got past that and to me. it's actually really not that serious, cause almost instantly in conversation it changes.

3. but also, the smiling thing. like, i know that i'm alive and i'm SO grateful for that, for each day. but if i went around smiling all the time, it would not be true to me. now, i smile and actually pretty often. but there's always a reason. if i smile it's because i remembered or heard a song/lyrics read/saw something beautiful. b/c i see children (doing their cute lil things, numerous and i can't pinpoint one now haha), something good happens, a friend shows me that they thought of me, idk. i'm not gonna force it, but it happens is the gist. i laugh. i smile. and a lot of the time people don't see it but i'm content with the sentiment happening as it does. i'm not wearing a mask for anyone, and i do try to fix the mean mug sometimes when i realize i'm doing it for no particular reason, kind of unconsciously walking down the street and such. 

that's all for now.